The Darkness of Virtue
by Romantic Silence
Summary: Hermione's thoughts expressed in the aftermath of Nineteen Years Later.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter.

**Foreword**: This is just a small writing exercise. I have been reading a few stories lately that showcases Dark Hermione or Dark Harry and I am often astonished that some believe what constitutes as "Dark" is killing everyone and everything in a gory manner.

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><p><strong>The Darkness of Virtue<strong>

**By Romantic Silence**

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><p>Regrets are common in life.<p>

Perhaps it was better to take that left turn than to make that right. Or maybe you should have chosen the red velvet cake rather than the chocolate. In any case, one's life is not without the "what-ifs" or the "could-have-beens", no matter how trivial or mediocre some can be compared to others. The decisions one makes define your identity in contrast to the decisions you wish you could have made.

Without a doubt, there are days in which I ponder what it may have been like if I had chosen to become Mrs. Hermione Potter instead of Mrs. Hermione Weasley. It is not as if Ronald is a bad husband. Far from it, he loves his family and he is extraordinary with the children. Despite our disagreements, he is willing to stand by me even if it goes against his own beliefs. He is a good man, but it is unfortunate that I do not love him. If I was any other woman, I would have been content with my life.

It is not to say that I am greedy or selfish in that I always want more. No, it's something far more complex than that. Whenever I look at my family, I can't bring myself to actually care anymore. It was not a problem when I was still in my twenties when I allowed the morals of society dictate how I thought and felt. However, now that I am well into my late thirties, my perspective in what gives me peace has shifted spectacularly. Call me wicked, but I am no longer fond of the children I have made with my husband or the people whom I consider my family and friends.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is how Dark Wizards and Witches begin their descent into darkness. Had they also been discontent with their lives that they wished to change the very reality that surrounded them? I do not feel the putrid hatred or the need to prove myself to others, but rather I feel apathy towards the world that I have come to accept as my own. Yet when I see this world with my very own eyes, I want to erase everything it stood for. I see my children, my husband and his family, and my friends and I feel nothing towards them.

Which brings me to my point, the only exception to this vast apathy I now have is the only man I have ever allowed to truly be beside me: Harry Potter. There was a time long ago when we could have been something. I now wonder what the world and my life would be like if I had chosen to be with him than to foolishly cling onto the feelings towards a boy whom I thought I was in love with. Perhaps I would not have this festering darkness consuming with each unfulfilled day that passes. Who knows?

I love Harry. However, I will not place a superficial tag to this "love" I feel for him. I do not believe that it is either romantic or platonic. I have come to see it as something far grander than that. It transcends what I can describe it with the English language, but I know for certain that is what my love for him is like. I love him despite all the flaws that he has. He is naively foolish, following others like sheep if it suits him. His brashness and idiocy from time to time is one of his most defining traits. However, despite these hideous defects that one can consider "virtuous", I love him.

He is the only one that still makes me feel human. He is the only one that makes me recognize what I feel towards the others is taboo. He still makes me feel fear. He still makes me feel joy. I am afraid that if I ever tell him what I have become, he would shun me and the façade of a loving mother, wife, and revolutionary figure will crumble, allowing the evil that is barely quelled within me to finally break hold of my control. Harry keeps me from completely falling into the abyss of madness that will drive me to begin another war.

But there are times that I want him to know the monster I have become…

_September 1__st__, 2017_

_Hermione Granger_

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><p>Harry shakily closed Hermione's diary and placed it back on the desk in her office. His eyes stared fearfully into the small book in which he had just read his best friend's innermost thoughts.<p>

"Harry? Are you in here?" called Hermione.

He turned around and found Hermione at the door, smiling warmly at him with love and affection. Harry found it implausible that the woman before him was the very same that had written the diary entry the previous day.

"What are you doing in here?" Hermione asked, stepping into the office and shutting the door behind her. "What's wrong?"

Harry shook his head and replied, "It's nothing."

Hermione gazed at him sternly and her eyes searched the area behind him. Striding forward, Hermione caught sight of her diary closed behind him. She placed her hands on her hips and frowned. "Harry! Were you reading my diary? Of all the nerve! You're a grown man, Harry; you shouldn't be tempted to read women's diaries by now!"

"Hermione," Harry began somberly, "is everything alright at home? Are you happy?"

"Of course I'm happy! What are you –" Hermione widened her eyes in realization. "You read what I wrote yesterday didn't you?"

Harry nodded.

"Harry," Hermione sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "you know that I love to write as a hobby. Surely you do not believe a faux account of my thoughts to be true, do you?"

Harry smiled sheepishly and answered, "Well, I thought…"

"Honestly, Harry. You can be denser than Ron from time to time. It was just a writing exercise." Hermione smiled and chuckled. "Well, enough about that, why don't you head into the kitchen and make something for us to eat while I clean up here?"

"Sure." Harry nodded. "I'm sorry about… _that_."

"I should be taking it as a compliment if you thought it was true. It just means I'm a good writer."

"Of course you are, Hermione. You're brilliant." Harry didn't know what he was thinking. How could Hermione, of all people, have such thoughts? He felt foolish for doubting his best friend.

The two beamed at each other and Harry left the office soon after, leaving Hermione alone in the office. After Harry was gone, Hermione's smile vanished and was replaced with an expression of indifference. She turned to her diary and opened it to yesterday's entry. A tranquil smile formed at her lips.

"Oh, Harry…"

He had always been too trusting for his own good.


End file.
